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G.
05-02-05, 03:45 PM
I thought this was pretty good...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

>ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

>COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBO! TT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a prop! osal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers, OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blu! e one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. >
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later ---

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

rabbit
05-02-05, 03:50 PM
:laugh:

Along the same lines, here is an NYT op-ed from a few weeks back...

Name That Steroid
By FRANK CAMMUSO

Published: March 20, 2005

Syracuse -- AT the Congressional hearings last week on steroid use in baseball, the star witnesses refused to name names. It's just as well - if they had, it could have been very confusing.

SENATOR Mr. Chairman, I'd like to thank the witness for agreeing to testify today. Though I don't follow baseball closely, I consider the issue of illicit substances to be of critical importance in American sports. I have one question for the witness: Sir, will you tell us names of players that use these substances?

PLAYER Yes, sir. I can tell you Who is on steroids.

SENATOR Good. Then who is on steroids?

PLAYER That's correct.

SENATOR I want the player's name.

PLAYER Who.

SENATOR The player on steroids.

PLAYER Who.

SENATOR I'm asking you who's on steroids?

PLAYER Who.

SENATOR The guy on steroids is who?

PLAYER Correct.

SENATOR I warn you, sir, not to make a mockery of this hearing. You are under oath. What is the name of the player on steroids?

PLAYER: No, sir. What is on androgen.

SENATOR I'm not asking who's on androgen!

PLAYER Who's on steroids.

SENATOR I don't know!

PLAYER He's on Oxandrin.

SENATOR Who?

PLAYER I Don't Know.

SENATOR Who is on Oxandrin?

PLAYER No, sir. Who is on steroids.

SENATOR That does it. I have had enough. You, sir, are stonewalling!

PLAYER No, sir. He's up next.