View Full Version : Top Secret: EARL goes turbo in 2005

07-29-04, 02:32 AM
Found this little gem kicking around... just FWIW... ;)

From: Ferd Country

To: Tonee Gorge


Tonee, I'd like to suggest some changes. They're noted in italics throughout the draft.

- Ferd



Perhaps a more descriptive and less, well, hostile title would befit this release. We are trying to do more than kill Champ Car, aren't we? Aren't we?

INDIANAPOLIS - In an effort to attract fans of the un-American, evil and Al Qaida-backed Champ Car World Series to the world's greatest, most exciting and spectacular racing in the world, the Extremely Annoying Reckin Leeg (tm) announced today that its 2005 competitors will be required to equip their cars with the Sunami Turbo (tm), a sophisticated electronic system that will make IndyCars (tm) sound just like Champ Cars.

The Sunami Turbo (tm), manufactured by Palcic Motorsports, consists of a set of noise-emitting vibration devices and a high-tech computerized "black box" which, when integrated into the series' Hoyota (tm), Chevronda (tm) and Toyolet (tm) engine computers, will create an ear-splitting racket specially designed to mimic the turbocharged wail created by Champ Car motors.

I'm not sure it's such a good idea to call it "an ear-splitting racket." Shouldn't we come up with, perhaps, a phrase with a less negative connotation? Yes, I realize that the speakers do create an ear-splitting racket that doesn't mimic anything very well, except perhaps the sound a rat makes when you step on its tail, but this IS a bunch of BS PR fluff anyway... we've lied so many times before, why not lie this time?

"This is the next step forward as laid down by me in the Vision," EARL (tm) Dictator-for-life Tonee Gorge said. "We've stolen Champ Car's teams, we've stolen Champ Car's drivers and we're about to steal Champ Car's tracks, yet we still haven't killed them off. Well, if it's not the teams, the drivers or the tracks, it MUST be the sound their engines make. Their fans are all too stupid to know the difference, so I'm confident that the Sunami Turbo will be the final nail in Champ Car's coffin."

Tonee, are you REALLY sure you want to say this? Remember the last time you promised to nail the coffin shut and you ended up smashing your thumb instead? I don't want to have to be your typist for a month again. I deserve more respect than that! Don't I? Please say yes. Pretty please?

Gorge continued, "Believe me, when that nail is driven, it'll be with my hammer and with a great staged photo opportunity so I can gloat to everyone how I killed open-wheel racing. I mean, that bad, evil open-wheel racing that turns right. Wait, no, I mean, that horrible, detestable open-wheel racing that ignores American short-track stars and hires a bunch of foreign ridebuyers. Oh, ****. Uh, well, I will kill that part of open-wheel racing left which actually has fans. And I'll be a spectacular success!"

It's clear that you've confused your own Visions again, Tonee. I realize that it's easy to do, with the number of reVisions, changes and tweaks you've made over the years, but we still can't let anyone find out by so publicly mixing them up. Please consult EARL Manual #1, The Vision, v3.2.4.08b9r7 for your currently correct Vision, and then rewrite this paragraph.

Ensuring that Champ Car dies has been the number-one priority of Gorge ever since the Leeg was founded in 1996, and in that vein, Gorge's Vision has been spectacularly successful - with the small and insignificant exceptions of television ratings and fans. Partnering with the Sunami Turbo will simply ensure a smooth transition for former Champ Car fans, and as Palcic Motorsports President U. R. Scroobed said, nobody will be the wiser.

"This will finally make IndyCars (tm) sound like the real thing, and should help to take us to the next level," Scroobed said. "Our motto is, 'You may not have the power, but as least you can sound like it,' and we believe this applies to IndyCars just as well as cars on the street. Literally tens of Americans have been fooled by our product, and now we can at least get to triple digits. We hope."

This paragraph is very ambiguous and certainly not at all promoting the product and the Leeg the way it should be. Perhaps we should contact Scroobed to get a more positive quote. It may be difficult, considering that he's gone into hiding after the ricers figured out his product didn't actually give them any more horsepower, but give it a shot anyway.

The Sunami Turboed IndyCars (tm) will make their debut at the Carbon Fiber Industry Association "Autoclave 300" at Hoestead Speedway in Florida, January 31, 2005. The Leeg's (tm) first road-course appearance with the Sunami will be at Mid-Kentucky Sports Car Course for the "Honda Track Rental 200 presented by Penske Attenuators" on April 1.

The Extremely Annoying Reckin Leeg (tm) is the biggest, best, fastest, most popular and adored series in all of TrackForum, and its 2005 Clabber Girl presents the IndyCar Series powered by Toyolet is set to kick off what is certain to be its breakout season. Tonee Gorge's clear and unchanged vision of a series with road racing, lots of ex-Champ Car teams and more foreign ridebuyers than you can shake a dictionary at will power the 2005 CGPTICSPBT to the pinnacle of success in world motorsport. Thousands of people Indiana-wide watch its races tape-delayed at 3 a.m. on ESPN8: The Ocho and PAX TV. The EARL has always been about road-racing and was never about short-track oval stars. Trust us, and watch us storm the bare aluminum at racetracks across the country!

Tonee, you invoke way too many 1984 comparisons in that paragraph. 'No, we've never been at war with Eastasia, we have always been at war with Eurasia.' Stuff like that scares people. Might want to clean that up a little. Oh, and the whole Vision thing again... just re-read my above comment. I know you don't like to hear this, but you DO have way too many Visions. Maybe you should stop cutting the white stuff... OK, so you get your CG free and it IS FDA approved, but c'mon, snorting baking powder's gotta be doing SOMETHING to your mind... wait, I overstepped the bounds there didn't I? Forget I said that. Just make the damn changes already.



07-29-04, 05:41 AM
I almost forgot... if you don't quite get it yet...



07-29-04, 10:38 AM
I don't have enough time to read that let alone compose something like that. I'm sure it's funny though. :)

07-29-04, 10:49 AM
Very fun. Well worth the time to read it. I had no idea that was a real product. :rofl:

07-29-04, 12:50 PM
Hey I wouldn't put it past the earl to go turbo at some point in the (near) future.

I would then be down to only two items on the Earl Boycott list;
#2- Ovals only :gomer:
#1- Spite :p

07-29-04, 12:50 PM
OHMYGOD! It is a real product. The virtual sound of a turbo. The ultimate "techno -geek" way to get chicks. It should work in Tonee's league. That company ought to be the title sponsor of the earl. Virtual Champ Car Noise for a pretender league. Tony has completed his house of delusions. :confused: :eek:

07-29-04, 01:09 PM
hmmm...... what would the sound be like if you put this thing on an IPS car while it rev-limits over half of the front straight of Indy?

my guess is a really loud bee fart.


07-29-04, 02:08 PM
Will the Sunami be placed, by regulation, at the same point on all the cars? That would at least reduce the risk of someone gaining an unfair advantage.


Opposite Lock
07-29-04, 02:31 PM
Will the Sunami be placed, by regulation, at the same point on all the cars? That would at least reduce the risk of someone gaining an unfair advantage.


Good point - the officials will have to collect these immediately after each race, and randomly distributed them before each race to ensure an even playing field. Can't have Honda and Toyota arguing over who has the better synthesized pop-off valve sounds.

07-29-04, 09:14 PM

Good point - the officials will have to collect these immediately after each race, and randomly distributed them before each race to ensure an even playing field. Can't have Honda and Toyota arguing over who has the better synthesized pop-off valve sounds.

But there will be, of course, a special Sunami system for Foyt Racing that is 20 db louder than the rest of the equipment.