cartcanuck
06-25-04, 01:40 AM
A year ago today my older brother showed up at my office and said the words that have changed my life forever: “Colin is gone. He killed himself.” That’s how I learned that my 33 year old younger brother had lost his battle with depression and abandoned his 11 month old baby girl and wife of less than two years (not to mention our parents and the rest of our family).
Many of you who were on 7Gear a year ago posted wonderful sentiments of sympathy and strength that me and my family read and used as support during that time. And it’s been a year since that post.
Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.
I don’t go a day without thinking of my brother’s life………and his death. I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like. I’ve forgotten his laugh. But I remember his smile. I remember his sense of humour.
And I remember the pain. It’s something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life, but I’m sure it’ll dull in the future. But I’ll never forget the sound my mother made when I told her that her youngest boy committed suicide. I’ll never forget the look on my dad’s face. It’s the first time he’s actually looked old. I’ll never forget the anger, the hurt, the guilt, and the desperation. I’ll never forget the damage done to our family, and to his young family.
A young man with his life in front of him and, it appeared, everything he ever wanted. The baby he’d wanted since he was a very young man. A very nice wife who shared his life goals. A career in which he was one of the most respected people in his workplace.
And the depression.
The situations that we didn’t know enough about. The stress his work put on him. The mounting stress that he faced going back to work after 5 months of parental leave as “mr. mom”. THAT was the final straw that pushed him over the edge. He was on medication, he was seeing a psychologist, and his wife even worked as a counselor for an Anxiety Disorders office.
And still it happened.
I don’t bring this up for sympathy or pity. I bring this up for one reason alone…….you or someone close to you will think of suicide today. You or someone close to you may not be here tomorrow by their own hand, by someone else’s hand, or by an accident. Either way, I’ve learned over the past year that few of us value our lives as much as we should…..and few of us value our loved ones and our friends nearly enough.
As you go through this day look at your family and look at your friends. Think about what they mean to you. Tell them today. I never took the time to tell my brother how much I loved him although I showed it to him as often as I could. But I would have liked to have said it to him before he was in a casket. Take the time today to send your mom, your wife, your sister, your daughter, or a good friend some flowers. Call your dad or your brother or your son and let them know you are thinking of them and you’d really like to buy them lunch. Look more closely for someone who might need a friendly word or hand today……..and give it to them. If you need this friendly word or hand today, ask for it. Please.
And most importantly, if you know someone who is having a rough time of things. If they are fighting depression. If they are having relationship, work, financial, emotional, or medical troubles. If someone has given you any demonstration of needing help, take the time and listen to them today, and everyday. My brother was the last person anyone ever thought would take a rope and end his life. But he did. And if he could do it, then trust me, anyone is capable of it. Any member of your family, any one of your friends. Maybe even you. Be a help to someone around you. Or if it’s you, then take two minutes and ask for help today. Talk to a friend or call a help line and just talk. Walk into a church and just talk to someone. Ask for a prayer. Say a prayer.
I have a hole in my life that will never be filled. I have a scar that will never fully heal. And it could have been prevented, of that I’m sure.
There may not be a tomorrow for someone you love or know. Tell them you love them today.
------------------------------------------------
You are my brother
I saw you grow up into a wonderful man,
I saw you grow as father and son,
And I loved you as my brother.
I wonder what could make you feel this way,
I wonder why you left your wife and child,
And I wonder what I could have done.
I’ll never get to show you my kids,
I’ll never get to grow old with you,
And I’ll never get to say I love you.
I’ve gone through feeling angry and sad,
I’ve gone through the shock and pity,
And I’ve experienced the pain.
I’ve heard it in our mother's voice and cries,
I've seen it in our dad's face and eyes,
And I've tasted it in my tears.
I’ve felt a pain that can’t be described in words,
I’ve felt a part of my flesh and blood die,
And I’ve felt my soul whither.
I wish I could turn back time to when we were kids,
I wish we were all smiling, happy and free,
And I wish we were together again.
I want to say that everything will be ok and you’ll be fine,
I want to say that you don’t have to worry,
And I want this all to be a dream.
I’ll never really be able to say goodbye to you,
I’ll never be able to truly let go,
And I’ll never forget you.
You are my brother.
-----------------------------------------
God Bless you all. I pray for your well being, your safety, and long prosperous lives filled with love and joy.
Brian
Many of you who were on 7Gear a year ago posted wonderful sentiments of sympathy and strength that me and my family read and used as support during that time. And it’s been a year since that post.
Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.
I don’t go a day without thinking of my brother’s life………and his death. I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like. I’ve forgotten his laugh. But I remember his smile. I remember his sense of humour.
And I remember the pain. It’s something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life, but I’m sure it’ll dull in the future. But I’ll never forget the sound my mother made when I told her that her youngest boy committed suicide. I’ll never forget the look on my dad’s face. It’s the first time he’s actually looked old. I’ll never forget the anger, the hurt, the guilt, and the desperation. I’ll never forget the damage done to our family, and to his young family.
A young man with his life in front of him and, it appeared, everything he ever wanted. The baby he’d wanted since he was a very young man. A very nice wife who shared his life goals. A career in which he was one of the most respected people in his workplace.
And the depression.
The situations that we didn’t know enough about. The stress his work put on him. The mounting stress that he faced going back to work after 5 months of parental leave as “mr. mom”. THAT was the final straw that pushed him over the edge. He was on medication, he was seeing a psychologist, and his wife even worked as a counselor for an Anxiety Disorders office.
And still it happened.
I don’t bring this up for sympathy or pity. I bring this up for one reason alone…….you or someone close to you will think of suicide today. You or someone close to you may not be here tomorrow by their own hand, by someone else’s hand, or by an accident. Either way, I’ve learned over the past year that few of us value our lives as much as we should…..and few of us value our loved ones and our friends nearly enough.
As you go through this day look at your family and look at your friends. Think about what they mean to you. Tell them today. I never took the time to tell my brother how much I loved him although I showed it to him as often as I could. But I would have liked to have said it to him before he was in a casket. Take the time today to send your mom, your wife, your sister, your daughter, or a good friend some flowers. Call your dad or your brother or your son and let them know you are thinking of them and you’d really like to buy them lunch. Look more closely for someone who might need a friendly word or hand today……..and give it to them. If you need this friendly word or hand today, ask for it. Please.
And most importantly, if you know someone who is having a rough time of things. If they are fighting depression. If they are having relationship, work, financial, emotional, or medical troubles. If someone has given you any demonstration of needing help, take the time and listen to them today, and everyday. My brother was the last person anyone ever thought would take a rope and end his life. But he did. And if he could do it, then trust me, anyone is capable of it. Any member of your family, any one of your friends. Maybe even you. Be a help to someone around you. Or if it’s you, then take two minutes and ask for help today. Talk to a friend or call a help line and just talk. Walk into a church and just talk to someone. Ask for a prayer. Say a prayer.
I have a hole in my life that will never be filled. I have a scar that will never fully heal. And it could have been prevented, of that I’m sure.
There may not be a tomorrow for someone you love or know. Tell them you love them today.
------------------------------------------------
You are my brother
I saw you grow up into a wonderful man,
I saw you grow as father and son,
And I loved you as my brother.
I wonder what could make you feel this way,
I wonder why you left your wife and child,
And I wonder what I could have done.
I’ll never get to show you my kids,
I’ll never get to grow old with you,
And I’ll never get to say I love you.
I’ve gone through feeling angry and sad,
I’ve gone through the shock and pity,
And I’ve experienced the pain.
I’ve heard it in our mother's voice and cries,
I've seen it in our dad's face and eyes,
And I've tasted it in my tears.
I’ve felt a pain that can’t be described in words,
I’ve felt a part of my flesh and blood die,
And I’ve felt my soul whither.
I wish I could turn back time to when we were kids,
I wish we were all smiling, happy and free,
And I wish we were together again.
I want to say that everything will be ok and you’ll be fine,
I want to say that you don’t have to worry,
And I want this all to be a dream.
I’ll never really be able to say goodbye to you,
I’ll never be able to truly let go,
And I’ll never forget you.
You are my brother.
-----------------------------------------
God Bless you all. I pray for your well being, your safety, and long prosperous lives filled with love and joy.
Brian