View Full Version : Humorous Quotes

01-16-04, 05:01 PM
> Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
> live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
> supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
> forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994
> Miss USA contest.
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> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
> can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
> those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
> life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
> federal anti-smoking campaign.
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> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
> Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
> the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
> just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
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> "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager,
> Danny Ozark
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> "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee
> Iacocca
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> "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
> truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from
> his Iran-Contra testimony.
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> "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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> "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel
> Enderbery
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> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
> notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
> a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
> Greenville, South Carolina
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> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
> go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
> next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S.
> Fowler, FCC Chairman
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01-16-04, 05:09 PM
"If they [CART] come back here with the same engines we use, the same chassis, they'll get their doors blown off." - Leo Mehl, former IRL executive director (May, 1999).